When I became pregnant with my 3rd child I had made up my mind that I wanted to have a natural labor. So, despite having 2 previous epidural labors and started to make my birth plan. It included instructions on positions for optimal pain management, my wants as far as baby monitoring, and the dos and don'ts of procedures done once the baby arrived. I even had it laminated with snacks to put next to it for the nurses. But when my labor went astray due to complications it left me with a sense of doubt and regret.
Here are 5 steps to grieve the loss of your birth plan.
1. Admit the problem
“You came home with a healthy baby.” Isn’t what you want to hear when you ask for help. Yes, that is true and it’s great but you worked hard and took months to prepare for the birth you wanted all for it to be taken away.
Take some time to think over the saturation and say out loud that you are not happy with the way your labor went. Speaking things into existence is always the first step to recovery.
2. Find What Went Wrong
Think back to your labor. What differed from your birth plan. Did the doctor not do delayed cord clamping? Was there too much noise during contractions? Who was stressing you? Find exactly what went wrong in your labor and write it down. It’s easier to solve exact problems than vague ones.
3. Find What Went Right
Just like writing down what went wrong. You also need to write down what went right. Did the nurses help you move from position to position? Was the room cool enough for you? What was said that gave you reassurance? Figuring out what followed your birth plan, or even didn’t follow it but it still helped you, will show you the positives of your labor. In doing so you can counteract the negatives.
4. Realize That You Did All You Could
Most of the time birth plans are disrupted because of complications. Meaning that something out of your control happened and plans had to change. For example, in my 3rd pregnancy I had unexplained bleeding and when my labor started the bleeding was bad. After my healthy baby was born the doctor realized I had placenta abruption. Because of that complication, I wasn’t allowed some of my wants. However, the majority of my birth plan was still met and I had a healthy baby girl.
It takes time and effort but writing down what went right and wrong than taking into consideration that there was nothing you could do will help you move on.
5. Help Others Become More Knowledgeable
The one thing that helped me the most was educating others. Most mothers will start researching the day that stick shows a pink or blue line. So, on average, mothers spend 9 months researching and preparing. If you labor goes astray then you may feel like you have all this information that you will never use. Instead of keeping it bottled up, offer your knowledge to an expecting friend. Helping others will bring joy to your own life.
I hope these steps will help you or someone you know. It is hard being a new mom so remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Always speak with others about how you feel and take time every day to enjoy moments with your new baby. They won’t be little for long and this regret, doubt, and feeling of loss won't last forever.