My favorite thing about weddings is when the bride and groom leave the little boxes with note cards and a fancy pen on the sign in table. Above the decorative little squares is a sign that reads, “Leave your helpful advice for the bride and groom”. Cute right? Of course, I always snatch up a piece of paper and give them my two cents. Yes, I have only been married for 4 years and 4 months but I feel like I have good advice to give. Quickly I begin to scribble down a few thoughts, the first of which is communication.
“A marriage will never work if you can’t communicate.” I have probably said that a hundred times to my friends who come to me for advice, and its true. There is not doubt that if you don’t talk to and with your spouse things aren’t going to last very long. If my husband even went one day not speaking to me, I would be worried I had done something terribly wrong or he just needed a shoe thrown at him. In our case the latter is more likely to happen.
When you tell someone that they need to communicate they automatically think of the deep stuff. Well, stuff that you wouldn’t talk about every day. For example, I have on a few occasions told my husband how much I don’t like it when he comes home from work and huffs around. Is what he’s doing wrong just because I don’t like it? No, but now that I have expressed my feelings to him, he can be aware of that and try to change how he acts around me when he has had a rough day. If I would have never communicated then he would have never known. Then we would have spent however long, him huffing about work, and me huffing about him huffing. In that case, me communicated my feelings saved up trouble down the road. But what about the not serious stuff?
Hey, babe. How was your day? Tell me about your current project? What has been on your mind the last week? Simple conversations about things happening in each other’s lives. The little talks are the building block for more sensitive conversations. If you can’t talk to each other about the stuff that doesn’t really matter, how will you ever be able to open up about things that will truly make or break your relationship.
When you met your significant other, there were long conversations about anything and everything. Both parties were genuinely interested in the other persons interest. That’s what makes you fall in love, right? Getting to know the others likes and dislikes is what makes the dating part so fun. So, why do so many couples end up spending countless nights at the dinner table in silence. A few months ago, I had the honor of talking with an older woman who had been married for 27 years. She admitted to me that every few years their relationship would fall into a couple months of silence. “During those months it just seemed like we had nothing to talk about, we did, but we just didn’t share it with each other.” Later she went on to explain that it was almost routine for the. Wake up, drink coffee, go to work, come home, make dinner, shower, and go to bed. Every day they did this and each day it grew easier and easier just to sink into the pattern and ignore the fact that their relationship was slipping and they didn’t even know it. They also did this without cell phones so imagine how quickly the robotic routine would set in with todays technology.
Everyone tells you to always date your partner. At first, I thought this was literally what it meant. Take them out and keep buying them the little “I was thinking about you” gifts. I was mistaken. Yes, the gifts and going out to eat is important but its what’s in those things that makes the difference. When you go to eat you spend time together, you talk with each other, you take a special time to make conversation like you did when you dated.
Conversations is the blood that flows through the relationship, without it, slowly and surely everything will dry up and die. If you have to write it on your bathroom mirror or set a time during the day to remember to just talk. Not about what bothers you, or how to further your relationship but just the random things that have happened. Even if you have been married for 2 months or 50 years, you can always learn something new about your partner. Even after 25 years of marriage my mother-in-law learned that her husband has always like pineapples, when she believed this whole time he didn’t.
Simple conversation is important to all relationships. Also, when you do make time or have the opportunity to communicate please truly listen. Just because you hear the words coming from the other persons mouth doesn’t mean you are listening. Take an interest in what they are interested in. Doing this shows love and respect to the other person. Not doing this could cause major problems in a relationship. Most unfaithful situations started with someone else being interested and showing attention to the person in need of it.